This post is coming a few days early. On January 4th my sweet Ana will turn 4. This is a very bitter-sweet kind of day. The sweet is on this side of the globe. The bitter on the other.
As her birthday quickly approaches I cannot help but think of what was. What January 4th must have looked like 4 years ago. What was it like in that hospital as this beauty entered the world? I imagine the immediate joy followed by the heartbreaking pain. I can't help but wonder what it would feel like to spend 9 months anticipating the arrival of your first baby only to have her come into this world, not as you expected, but different. To be told that you must leave her behind. You must walk away from the child you have loved. The child who is a part of you. The child you still love despite her "imperfections". How would it feel to have your own parents tell you to move on and abandon her? To have doctor after doctor advise you to leave her for someone else to deal with? To be told that you will never be valued if people know you have a child with Down syndrome? And so, my heart breaks for the fragile 24 year old girl who had to endure this 4 years ago.
Ganna 2008
But, my heart also soars for God's plan to make her daughter mine to love.
And then my heart sinks again as I contemplate what could have been. I think about what this day would have looked like for Ganna, or "Anya" as she was affectionately called in the orphanage. What if we hadn't said yes. With about 1 week to go before we traveled to Ukraine, we got the fateful e-mail that changed our lives dramatically. I wonder, what if we said no. What if nobody showed up to call this sweet child their own. The truth is that she would be spending her birthday being shipped off to an adult mental institution. This makes me cry, not just because she is my daughter. This makes me cry because if you could have seen Ganna before she was Ana...well you would cry too. This sweet little girl was locked away: a prisoner trapped inside of herself. I can't bear the thought of what life in a mental institution would have done to her. And I cry because what she escaped by God's grace is reality for so many.
It has been nearly 8 months, and the 3 year old Ganna who blew bubbles out the sides of her mouth, banged her head on the crib, and shook rattles on her face as her only forms of stimulation is fading fast. She is being replaced by 4 year old Ana who calls me "mama," loves to be rocked and have Amazing Grace sung to her. She giggles when she talks on the phone, she loves her brothers, reaches for her daddy to be held in his loving embrace, is becoming a pro at puzzles, enjoys finding mischief with her little "twin," and is beginning to learn what love is.
Happy Birthday my sweet Ana! We can't believe we have been so lucky to be blessed by you.
"He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making all things new!"" -Revelation 21:5
Patiently waiting...
...okay, I can't contain my excitement anymore!
Thank you for the stroller Amy. Look at the joy on her face :)
I wonder what it is?
A princess mirror!!! This was her favorite. Good work, Grandma!
All kids go through phases. Sadly when my kids are going through ugly phases I have a tendency to forget all of the beautiful phases. Right now Trey is impressing me well beyond his 5 1/2 years. Which is why I am typing this. I don't want to forget. On Christmas day our children did not open their gifts until about 6pm, yet we never heard a word about it. They never asked when they could open them...in fact, they never even mentioned gifts at all!!! Every mommy knows this is a major feat for a 5 and 3 year old. Once it was time for gifts Trey insisted on handing them out and celebrating with each of his siblings over their present. He saved his until everyone else was done.
If all of this wasn't impressive enough yesterday I had the 3 little kids upstairs for bath time after dinner. I called to Trey to tell him it was his turn. He begged me to wait because he was doing something. When I came downstairs I discovered a clean house! He told Gary, "mom would be really surprised if we cleaned the kitchen". So Gary helped him, but even to Gary's surprise when the kitchen was finished Trey went to work in the living room without a word. He cleaned it all by himself just because he knew how much I would love it.
And then tonight he sat up in his bedroom for well over an hour wrapping gifts for the rest of us. He took wrapping paper and tape and sorted through his toys deciding what each person would like. He gave each of us 4 gifts...gifts of love. And you should have seen the other kids squealing with excitement as they discovered the toys they had just played with hours ago.
I am so grateful that God's grace extends well beyond our parenting abilities. I pray He will continue to mold our children in ways we cannot. Thank you, LORD!
We celebrated Luke's 3rd birthday last week (in an effort to spread the cake around: Luke Dec. 23rd, Jesus Dec. 25th, and Ana Jan. 4th). I can no longer say that I have any children who are chronologically 2 or under (so long free train rides at the zoo). It is hard to think that. It makes me sad, but I am watching him grow every day, and that makes me smile.
I remember back to the day he was born. As I labored, pushing a human being out of my body, I caught Gary out of the corner of my eye with a huge smile on his face. He told me after the fact that the very first thing he saw as Luke came into the world were his huge dimples. And it's true. Luke still has large dimples that are enough to make anyone smile. One of our nephews once told us, "Luke has holes in his cheeks". He was named Luke because we were doing a study in the book of Luke when I got pregnant with him. His name means "light," and it is so fitting for this little ray of sunshine.
Here is my little 3 year old.
December 2008
December 2009
December 2010
December 2011
Ana thought we were doing "skidamarinka doo"
If you ask him his favorite part of his birthday the answer is, "ice cream". If you ask what else, he will say, "cupcakes". Forget presents! He asked Aunt Melina and Uncle Scott to send him ice cream for his birthday. Aunt Melina said she couldn't send ice cream in the mail. Luke asked, "can you send cake?"
A few years back, I decided that I was done sending paper Christmas cards. Well after the holiday season I would end up with a stack of cards still on my counter: cards for people whose addresses I didn't have, cards that had been "returned to sender" because I apparently had the wrong address, and left over cards that sat while I wondered who am I forgetting?. So since that time, we have opted for the video card. We figure it is a good way to let everyone see how much our kids have grown in the last year (since we are rebel children who wander the country, never staying near family or friends for too long :). And it better expresses what we want to say than one generic message on a card (you know me...always lots to say!). So here is your 2011 Christmas greeting...
Dinner to plan and prepare, breakfast dishes to wash, lunch crumbs to be swept, bills to pay, doctors appointments to schedule, a grocery list to write, reading lessons to start, math, science, geography, and Bible lessons that require more planning, more messes, more stress, and more TIME. This is a partial list of what my day entails. And in-between each of these tasks I am prodded at by my children in turn. "Mommy, watch what I can do." "Mom, want to see my football game?" "Mommy will you play trucks with me?" Sasha grabs at my legs to be picked up. Ana wants to help me cook. If I sit down for even a second, somebody wants to climb in my lap. My response is usually a mechanical, "in a minute," with the recognition that "a minute" is never really just 60 seconds, and most times it never even passes.
But one day, I started adding up the cost of being "in a minute" mom. I have missed countless football games, music performances, and doctors visits (all occurring regularly in my living room). I have been absent for Lightening McQueen's big race, Buzz Lightyear's battle to rescue Woody, and even the weekly garbage pick-up (all which also took place in my very own living room).
I know I can't always say "yes," and I can't always drop everything for what my kids want right now. I know that it is good to teach them patience and how to play independently. But, I also know that sweeping the floor can wait while I read a book to Luke, play babies with Ana, tickle Sasha, and watch Trey beat LSU.
After all, I wouldn't want to miss any more songs created just for me like the "chocolate train ride song" below :)
Thanking God for a wonderful day. Yesterday we decided to take a drive to the Oregon coast for the first time. We live just over an hour from Canon beach, so we decided to take a day trip. The kids LOVED the coast (as evidenced by the pictures). The town was so quaint and cute. We stayed for lunch, stopped in a local candy store, and then took the kids to look around Gepetto's toy shop before heading back. The drive took us through the mountains, where we experienced breathtaking beauty. After getting home, we took the kids for a nighttime walk. We bundled everyone up and walked through our subdivision looking at all the Christmas lights. Luke exclaimed, "that was a GREAT one," after every house we saw. We headed home after about 20 minutes and warmed up with hot chocolate and marshmallows for everyone before heading to bed. These are the kind of days I never want to forget.
