Gorging: Day 4

I started this post yesterday (on Day 4 of gorging...hence the title), but haven't gotten around to finishing until today.

Is Ana a reformed food-addict? Not yet. I realize that many of our issues stem from a lack of communication. Not that my children can't communicate with us at all, but not in the same way our bio children can. Trey and Luke can, and frequently do, walk up and say, "mom, I'm hungry. Can I have..." Ana and Sasha are restricted to signing "eat" when they want something. And frankly, they haven't exactly mastered the whole signing unprompted thing. They can sign on their own, but I think a lot of times they forget that they can. I realize that I have to be very careful with Ana. If I ask, "Ana do you want more?" She signs "more". If I ask, "Ana, are you all done?" She signs "all done". And if I ask, "Ana, do you want more or are you all done?" She gets all confused sometimes. So, now I am working on trying to feel her out without prompting anything. Also, (Crystal this is for you) at first I didn't think I really allowed any of my kids freedom with their food, but that's not true. They can ask for what they want when they want it. It doesn't mean I always say yes, but at least they have a way to voice their opinion about what, when, and how much they eat. I also try to give them choices (as in broccoli or green beans with dinner). Sasha and Ana have never had that.

As of now, we are through day 5, however, we haven't really stuck to the "gorging". As of today, I have decided this is just not right. I am giving Ana more flexibility with her food, but I am also restricting a bit.

Here is what I have noticed during this experiment:
Ana is capable of walking away from food and busying herself with other things.
She likes to eat quickly (as in, shove it all in at once), but once it is gone, she is okay with walking away.
Since we began, Ana has suddenly become pickier with her food. I don't know if we made her feel comfortable enough to voice an opinion or if she just decided that since we might give her more food, she would rather eat the yummy stuff.

Where are we going from here? We are going to take a middle of the road approach. We will still restrict what she eats and how much, but within reason. We will allow her to feed herself and snack like the other kids. And we will hopefully be getting her thyroid checked in the near future to try to rule out hypothyroidism. I am trying to let go, and not stress so much over the food thing. I will prayerfully hand it to God and let Him work it out.

Best of luck to all of you who are struggling like we are.

Gorging: Day 3

Last night's dinner debacle left me in tears for my daughter. But after a pep talk from my super-knowledgeable friend, Jen, I woke up with a new game plan and a fresh attitude. I am not giving up on gorging, but I think I was going about it wrong. I was searching out every possible healthy food choice in our house to offer her when she asked for more. I think that is part of what kept her eating: the surprise of what might be coming next. Starting today, if she asks for more she will get whatever we are eating for our meal.

Breakfast brought a few surprises for us. Ana had a big bowl of cheerios with milk, and then when she asked for more I handed her a handful of dry cheerios. I put them on the table in front of her, and her first bite was a full fistfull into her mouth. After that it was one at a time for about 2 minutes. Then she started throwing them on the floor. What? Ana DOES NOT waste food!!! We joke that she is our human garbage disposal. She was still sort of picking at them, but without enthusiasm. And then her bib started falling off. I saw it happening, but I waited to see what she would do. Normally when her bib falls off (yes, it happens frequently. And yes, we need new bibs :) she has a fall-apart fit! She thinks that because she no longer has a bib on, she cannot eat. The same thing happens if she drops her fork. But this morning the bib started slipping, but no tears from Ana. She just grabbed hold of it, pulled it off and set it on the table. I asked if she was all done, she signed it and breakfast was over in a matter of 20 minutes!!!

For snack I let her feed herself yogurt. A huge mess! She probably got 1/2 of it in her mouth while the other half was everywhere else. After that I took her down, because we had playdate guests who were about to arrive.

Lunch was 1 1/2 sandwiches (turkey and cheese) and a bowl of melon. She signed "all done" and got down.

For snack after nap I cut up an apple for her and Sasha, but instead of strapping them into highchairs I just separated the apple into 2 bowls and let them walk around and eat. Ana finished her 1/2 super fast and then started working on Sasha's portion. However, surprise! I asked Ana to share a bite with me and she did.

Dinner was a rice and bean burrito. She ate it all, but at one point she offered her empty fork up to Sasha when he was crying. I think she really thought she was offering him food.

Bedtime snack was a bowl of pretzels, which she dumped on the floor. She was eating them...just off the floor. And then we moved on to a bowl of applesauce and off to bed. I thought she was really getting over the whole being super excited for food thing, but when the applesauce showed up she was unable to curb her enthusiasm. There was a lot of squealing happening for applesauce.

It is still too early to say exactly what kind of difference this will make. I do worry that Ana will have lifelong issues with food, but right now we are focusing on her need for control. As Jen helped me to see in our phone conversation, Ana has never had control over what she ate, how much she ate, or when she ate it. Since she came home we have been very restrictive with her. Because of the way she ate, we worried that she needed to learn portion control and be given healthier foods. She ate differently than all of the rest of us, because we made her. Not that we intended to be mean to her, we just worried about her. Ana is already different. As a parent you never want your child to be excluded, made fun of, or emotionally hurt in any way. I see the beauty in my daughter - inside and out. I just want everyone else to see it too. So from here on out, this will not be about stuffing Ana as full as she can go, but it will be about giving Ana control over her food. Giving her a "say" in the matter of food.

I don't have any of the beautiful pictures you have all come to love to see from this adventure ;) But here are some random pictures.

Well hello cutie! Can I have a ride?

Water babies

Yes, this is a food picture. This is excitement for yogurt.

Trey playing with Malika. I think she is his new best friend. They are so cute together!

Luke...always in style!

Anyone have a power tool I can borrow?

Luke chillin' in a pint-size chair.

This is what Ana does when she gets stressed out or overwhelmed

Our new friend, Athena. Isn't she gorgeous?

Ana and Luke...look close. That's not our Ana! We now have a friend named Ana too!!!

This is how I found Sasha after nap today. Cute, huh?

Gorging: Day 2

Breakfast:
2 packets of instant oatmeal
1 plum
Handful of almonds (they sat in her mouth mostly)
I gave her a piece of string cheese. She put it in her mouth but never bit down. She signed "all done" at this point.

Snack:
Her bowl of pretzel sticks
Moved on to all of the other kids bowls of pretzel sticks

Lunch:
Plate-full of steamed broccoli and cauliflower (maybe 1 cup)
4 fish sticks
1 orange
Bowl of frosted mini-wheats (dry)

It was at this point I got really sad for Ana. I looked around my house and this is what I saw:

Ana mini-wheat in each hand, mouth full, working on a solid hour of "lunch"

 AND

All of my other kids dancing and having fun, all having finished their lunch 1/2 hour ago

I had to prompt the "all done" sign at lunch because it was past nap time, and I'm not sure she would have stopped.

Dinner:
Bowl of pasta
1/2 cucumber
Handful of cereal
String cheese
1/2 plate of grape tomatoes
1 slice whole wheat bread
4 slices of deli ham
About 1/4 cup raisins
MORE cucumber (in total it was about 3/4 of a cucumber)
Finally she began regurgitating the cucumber, and then with prompting signed "all done".

Dinner took her 2 hours!!! When she was done her belly looked like this, and it was H.A.R.D.

In total, Ana spent over 4 hours at the table today. I am incredibly discouraged, because after her dinner tirade, Ana still came wandering into the kitchen begging for yogurt that I was feeding Sasha (and that was only about 20 minutes after I took her down from the dinner table). I didn't give her any, because I simply couldn't bring myself to. I was worried about the pain she was probably in, and I just couldn't bear to watch her eat anymore.

Gorging: Day 1

My last post gave way to some discussion about how to end Ana's attachment to food. Our kids came from a "good" orphanage. They were fed 3 meals a day, snack before lunch, snack before dinner, and a yogurt drink before bed. Sasha has NONE of Ana's same feeding issues. Why? Personalities? Is it a Ds thing? Is it an orphanage thing? I have been so perplexed by this.

Sasha will refuse food if he doesn't want it or is full. However, he does shove his mouth full of more food than it can hold, which leads to him crying and spitting it out. This one I can figure out: snack and mealtimes were done quickly at the orphanage. Food was taken away whether or not a child was done with it. And Sasha is a slow eater! I imagine he often had food taken right out from underneath him. In the case of a sandwich or finger foods, he will keep one in each hand. I'm sure this is his insurance in case I remove his plate from the table before he is done (I would not do this by the way).

You have read all of Ana's issues with food, so I won't recount them. But based on a comment on my last post I have decided to do a little experiment. We will call it the "gorging yourself into a food-induced coma" experiment. Many kids who come from orphanages have issues with food. A great deal are malnourished, many horde food, the list of food troubles is long and the reasons are many. And often parents are told the solution is to allow their child to eat as often and as much as they want. This way they will learn that food will always be available. I never felt the need to try that approach with Ana for so many reasons: she was always fed at the orphanage (therefore that should not be reason for her behavior), I feared her attachment to food would worsen, I worry about her health and I was concerned with weight gain, I was scared to see what it would look like, and I wanted her to learn proper portion sizes. But then today I decided to try to put myself in Ana's place and piece together her past a bit. The orphanage director referred to Ana as a "puffy" child. She told us that she always told the nannies to make her run. Well, running was an impossibility for Ana at the time (we are still working on it), but I began to wonder if they gave her small portion sizes. Then I started thinking, "what if she has never known what it is to feel full". Even if her body ever gave her the signal I don't think she would recognize it. Thus began our adventures in gorging.

Day 1:
I started at lunch, putting a plate of food in front of Ana and standing back. Normally I feed her out of fear that everything would go in at the same time and she would choke. She shoved her mouth full of PB &J sandwich, but then set it down while she chewed for a bit. Then she picked it back up and did the same. Her half a sandwich was gone in 4 bites, then she started on her baby carrots. I had to stop her at one point when, with a mouth so full of sandwich she could barely close it, she tried to add a whole baby carrot. After that food was gone we moved on to a full plate of fruits and veggies, and then another. At that point she started throwing food on the floor. I asked, "Ana are you all done?" She signed "all done" and then clapped for herself and happily left the table. I thought, "wow! This is going to work!"

And then came snack time after nap. Horrific!!! Trying not to allow her too much food at snack times is my modification to the gorging diet. She ate a bowl of cottage cheese and a slice of apple she found on the table before we went out to play in the kiddie pool before dinner. Normally she loves the pool!!! She cries to get in and cries when I take her out. Not today, She just cried the entire time she was in there, all the while signing "eat, please". So, I took her out and let her finish off the other half of an apple that was on the table. It took about 2 minutes for her to eat 1/2 apple, and as soon as it was gone cry-fest started up again. I was not about to give her more snacks with dinner looming around the corner, and a chance for her to play outside and get fresh air. I put her back in the pool until I couldn't take her crying anymore, at which point I made everyone get out and come in the house so we could get dinner.

Dinner time for Ana lasted an hour and a half!!!! And her is a run down of what she ate:
1/2 of a Chick-fil-a chargrilled chicken salad (no dressing)
About 2 cups of Life cereal
A handful of pretzels
3 scrambled egg whites
And a plate full of corn, carrots, peas, and green beans (about 3/4 cup worth)

And then after she finally got down from the table (she did sign "all done" at my prompting...it was already 15 minutes past bedtime by then) she found a package of Lorna Doones that Luke left lying around and started working out those. But apparently she didn't have room for them. Even though she was happily shoving them in, they were just coming back out as a drooly, cookie mess. When I brushed her teeth for bed, her gag reflex started kicking in, which never happens with her.

This is Ana digging for food in her bib while she waits for the next round.

The final plate-full at dinner

This is how she looked when she started slowing down

Eyes glazed over, drunk sort of look, could this be full?

Oh, are we close?

And there it is! Ana cries "uncle"...or "all done"

Scared about what day 2 will bring. Anyone with experience with this, please do tell!

Progress

This video shows progress, believe it or not. This is Ana eating some carrots after she polished off her lunch. You can see her throwing herself in her chair and making as much noise as she can muster with a mouth full of carrot. I know it may sort of sound like it, but she is not crying. Every meal and every snack-time is an adventure of sorts. Each encounter with food is an emotional experience for her. I think people hear me talk about it and they think I am exaggerating. I'm not. I have countless videos of Ana screaming (happily) for food, crying for food, and doing whatever you want to call this thing below.

When she got home Ana could not handle being near the kitchen without crumbling in hysterics. She still heads for her favorite room in the house more often than not, but she can be in there without being hysterical, she can wait patiently for me to prepare a meal (most days), she doesn't cry when the food is gone, and she signs "more," "please," and "thank you" all in the proper order for her food. Today, for the first time, she put two signs together and did them unprompted. She signed, "water please". I still cannot put a plate of food in front of her because she will choke herself by shoveling it all in. She has learned to use a fork, which I thought would slow her down. Nope. Occasionally she has a hard time using the right amount of pressure to get the food on the fork. In that case she tries to sneak and use her hand. As soon as I catch her and tell her no, she does an angry growl at me (hysterical, by the way), but then she musters all of her determination to get that food into her mouth and is usually successful.

Meal times take a lot out of me. It is hard to watch Ana get so consumed by her desire for food, not to mention keep her from nearly lunging out of her chair to reach across the table and quick as lightning snag some food from someone else's plate, and getting the 200+ things my kids seem to "need" at meal times.

Mommy's tired!!! 

Days will come

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. 

2 Corinthians 4:8-11

Somedays it feels like the devil lives on my shoulder. He whispers in my ear that I am justified in my anger. He tells me it's okay to scream at my kids. I know he is wrong, but man is he good at what he does. No sooner do the words leave my mouth and I am covered in shame. I am a wreck. I continually ask God why he chose us. Yes, we asked for Him to use us, but did He really think we were capable of this? The answer is no. He knows we are not capable at all. We are far too imperfect. I'm convinced this is why He chose us.  My friend posted recently about how the birth of her daughter changed her whole family. She talked about how God used her sweet baby to break her and mold her into the woman He wanted her to be: a woman without pride that He could use. And boy is He using her! I promise you that God is using my children to destroy me! I am heartbroken at the end of every day when I look back and see how I was manipulated by the devil, but I don't lose heart. If I couldn't see my shortcomings, the Holy Spirit couldn't help guide me to change them. What happened during the day is wiped away by a grace beyond comprehension. And each new day brings about a fresh start. 

Thank God for that!

Luke: The Muscle

Luke: where to even begin...

...Luke is a very smart kid. He has been speaking in full sentences for a long time now. He uses words like, "actually". He should have been potty trained a looooong time ago, because for months he has been able to say things like, "I'm poopy. Please, change my diaper," but mommy has been to lazy to train him. I tell you these things so that you don't lump him into the braun over brains category. But, Luke has ALWAYS been our physical kid. He crawled at 8 months and started walking at 8 1/2 months! He learned to jump with 2 feet off the ground before 18 months, and I have joked that he needed anger management for 2 year olds. I have no doubt that in a fight he would take Trey down in record time. He loves to run and throw a ball. He is explosive both with his muscle and with his temper. He is defiant, but not always in a mean way. Luke is the kid that Gary and I are banking on to protect us when we get older ;)

He insisted that HE should hold the hose to fill the pool.

This is Luke's favorite picture of himself. He even sent it to Grandma in her birthday card. I have no idea why. It's a picture of him in Time Out ;)

Chick-Fil-A is SUPER FUN!!!!

Even with his temper, Luke is a lover. He likes to be held, have his back rubbed, play with my hair, give hugs and kisses, cuddle close, and he takes his "baby" with him everywhere (his little giraffe blanket). I think he just shows his emotions easily, whatever they may be. We are working on controlling his anger, and I am desperately trying to make up for being away from him for so long. He handled it fine while we were gone, but now that we are home with 2 new kiddos, Luke is constantly afraid we are going to leave him. There is not a day that goes by that I don't hear, "Mommy, I want to hold you" a minimum of 20 times (and yes, that is his way of asking ME to hold HIM). And with a visit from Grandma looming in our near future, Luke is constantly asking, "Mommy, will you stay with me?" out of fear that she is coming to baby-sit while I leave.

Yes, Lukey, I will stay with you baby.

Ana: A Girl with Passion

I just think this picture is funny :)

American Girl!

If you met Ana, you would wonder why I am describing her as passionate. Most of the time she is a laid back "go with the flow" kind of girl. But there are times when you might wonder what in the world has gotten into her. I have talked a little about her feeding issues on this blog, and I don't want to harp on it (even though it is by far our biggest struggle with her right now), but I think you need to know a little more about those issues to understand her passion. Right now Ana finds her comfort in food. She likes us enough and likes to be held and cuddled, but she would drop us for a PB & J any day of the week. You can think I am exaggerating, but if you come visit us during a mealtime you will see the truth, firsthand. We joke that Ana turns into a 5-star athlete when food is around. Most of the day she is sluggish. We have to constantly make sure she is being engaged and she gets mad at us for doing so, but just start heading for the kitchen and Ana turns into Hussein Bolt! What does this have to do with passion. Ana's passion is food at the moment. We are hopeful that one day we will see her run to be with us, not just because she thinks we have food. We see her come alive for food. And unfortunately it brings about the majority of her smiles.

When Ana finds something that excites her, she screams uncontrollably!!! She screams for food, she screams in her crib (because apparently Disney World is NOT the happiest place on earth, but her crib is), she screams in the bathtub, she screams on the swing, and if she finds anything else that stirs her passion you will know it! She rarely just smiles. If she is happy, her WHOLE ENTIRE BODY gets in on the action. Her hands go to her face in an "I cannot control my joy" kind of way, she smiles, screams, and tenses her whole body. It's super cute, but it makes it hard for us to get good family pictures (having her picture taken apparently does not evoke happy feelings in her). We either get Ana staring into space or looking like she is having some sort of psychotic episode...there is no middle ground here.

The following series of pictures show just a glimpse of Ana's excitement...for a banana! (All of the pictures were taken in the 2 minutes it took me to feed her that banana. Most of them were in-between bites as she tried to contain herself until the next bite.)

In case you are wondering, it does hurt to know your child loves food more than you.

Sasha: The Front Man

There aren't words to describe Sasha's personality accurately. He is a child with an unbreakable spirit. To watch him you would have no idea he spent the vast majority of his life in an Eastern European orphanage.  He is playful. He is a ham to say the least. He is creative. And he is loving. You occasionally hear stories of children w/ DS being voted prom king or accepting some other award based on popularity. I don't doubt that will be Sasha in the future. He is incredibly social (blowing kisses out the window to our neighbor as she mows her lawn), and the child LOVES a camera. When my sister-in-law was here, Sasha was dancing with his baby doll (he never goes anywhere without one) and Sara decided to take a picture of it. As soon as she pulled out the camera Sasha stopped dancing, turned his baby around and posed for the picture. He is always happy to see anyone. 

This is Sasha dancing with his baby.

This is him posing as soon as he realized there was a camera involved :)

I told you, he ALWAYS has a baby with him. This was after I had spent 1/2 hour giving the kids rides on my shoulders.   I finally said, "all done," and Sasha was quick to grab his baby to give him a ride.

Painting for the first time. The kid catches on SUPER QUICKLY!!!

Trey: The Idea Man

 I started this blog years ago, and it was all about Trey. Then Luke came along, and Trey had to share space on the blog with pictures and stories about Luke. And now, it appears Sasha and Ana have hijacked some (okay most) space too. Everything is new with them, and we are navigating our way through unfamiliar territory, which is why they are claiming so much of my blog posting space right now. But, every day I get to see what makes each of my kids unique and special, and I wanted to give them all their very own post. I have decided that my kids can form their own team when they get older. I don't know what they will do, but I know they will be successful, because they compliment each other so well.

So, first up...Trey: The Idea Man

Here is a story that really illustrates who Trey is. We have gone to a new system for snacks in our house. Trey and Luke each get snack money every morning. They can buy snacks throughout the day with just a few rules. Junk food is more expensive than healthy foods, and fruits and veggies are free. As we were making the money Trey said, "mom, I have an idea. If something cost too much money we could give you stickers and they could be coupons". I had to laugh before I shot his idea down.

Now I thought that it would take him a few days of spending all his money on junk in the first half of the day to figure out how to save his money up and spend it wisely throughout the day. NOPE! Day 1 he had only spent $1 (on yogurt) by dinner (he gets $10/day). He snacked all day on fruits and veggies, because as he told me, "I'm trying to save up my money for snacks later."

The picture below is of Trey "carpet skating" with books.  He likes to go roller skating (something he did with school last year), but we have not been able to take him for dollar skate night in a looooooong time. He has been asking about it, but instead of complaining that we couldn't go he decided to take it into his own hands. He came out of his room like this, and said, "look mom. I figured out how I can go skating".

Trey has always been this way, so it is not some 5 year old phase. I could keep a book of all of his "ideas". He has turned my couch cushions into a full airport, a ride-on toy into a tow-truck, built a "bunk-bed" with his imagination, and he throws a birthday party every week for someone (usually a stuffed animal) complete with decorations, presents, and cake (all made from paper). The list is endless, and so are the smiles he brings in our home.

This is when Trey was 2. He decided he needed a "helmet" and gloves to ride his bike. He thought a winter hat was a good idea...in JULY!!!!

An early creation...an airplane. Trey wanted to be a pilot for 3 solid years.

Walked in my bedroom one day to find this. It's the inside of a garbage truck (the pillows are the trash bags).

Playing Croc store (an original Trey game) in the bathtub.

Tow truck.

About Trey:
Age: 5
Favorite Color: Orange
Phrase he says most often: "I have an idea..."
Favorite snack: potato chips or candy
Favorite play-time activity: imaginative play 
Reason he makes us SO proud: He really loves people. He loves his siblings without exception, and he is constantly thinking about how he can help others.

Teaching little brother and little sister how to paint

Sleepover fun!

Trey, we love you and are incredibly blessed to have you for a son!

~Dad and Mom