You ask God to break your heart for what breaks His...are you ready?
5 days until the launch.
Psalm 139
Friday, August 19, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
Sasha's heart
Today, Sasha had his heart cath done. The point was to check the pressure levels in his heart and lungs to be sure that open-heart surgery was a viable option for him. The prognosis is good! His pressure levels are slightly elevated, but nothing out of the realm of what the cardiologist expected to see. We checked in at 6:30am, he was in the cath lab by 8am, out before 10, and we were home just after 5pm. He has a large bruise and a puncture wound on his inner thigh where they used a vein to access his heart. Besides that and a tiny remnant from an IV in his hand, he is pretty much back to normal already. We have already been contacted by the surgeon who will complete his open-heart surgery. We are looking at scheduling it sometime in the next 3 weeks. It will require about a week in the hospital and a 6-week post-surgery recovery period. Prayers for our ability to keep this wild-man under wraps for 6 weeks would be appreciated!
Sending lots of love and many thanks for all of the prayers for Sasha. He is a lucky boy to have so many who love him ;)
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| "Hello? Mickey Mouse, is that you?" |
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| "Maybe if I hide in the wardrobe they won't find me." |
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| "Awww nuts!" |
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| Post surgery grogginess |
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
"God doesn't call the equipped; He equips the called."
No doubt you have heard this cute little mantra before. Well, what do you think? I was having a discussion the other day with my friend and she said that she just didn't believe it. She didn't believe that everyone struggled as much as a parent as she does. She felt as though somehow others had it more "together" than she did. I did manage to control my hysterical laughter before we dug in to our conversation. But, I understand her feelings. Somedays you just don't feel good enough. Guess what? YOU'RE NOT!!! Feel better now? Yeah, I thought not. But this is about truth. Truth is, you, me, and everyone else are in need of the Savior. If we were good enough, we wouldn't need Him.
Most days I feel like Gideon. The Holy Spirit is talking to me and I'm looking over my shoulder saying, "who me? I think you made a mistake".
I had another friend tell me recently that, "it's fun to see what a chilled out person having 4 kids has made [me]". I wanted to point to the dark circles under my eyes and say, "it's called exhausted," but I didn't have the energy. But the reality is that my new "chilled out" personality is not because I am chilled out, not because I'm tired (okay maybe a little), but it's mostly because I'm not trying to tackle my life. What is the point? So many people claim to have surrendered their lives to Christ, but they fail to put it all on the table. They continue to hold tightly to their semblance of control. I have no control over my life. I admit it. And I am proud of it!
I am a girl who in the past said, "I think it's great that people adopt children with special needs, but I couldn't do it." And God is laughing. I can see my life so clearly right now. I have peace in a way that I never dreamed possible. This is only the beginning of what God has for us. I really hope all of you will continue to follow along to see what the future holds. And be watching for my Wonderful Works post coming soon.
Love your heart!
Let me share with you the heart of my first born.
My mom has been in town for a few days now, and leading up to her visit Trey wanted to call her every day! He likes to make plans with our visitors before they come. This time though, none of his plans revolved around himself. They were all about me! I would overhear him on the phone saying things like, "let's lock her in her room, and you and me will watch the kids." or "I know! We can give her massages and make her take a bath." You can't imagine how good it feels to hear your 5 year old say those kinds of things. He not only said them, but then when Grandma came, he did them. The day she got here he was insistent that I spend the day in my room. He made me cookies, massaged my feet, brought me lunch in bed, helped take care of his brothers and sister, and has continually told me, "go take a nap, mom. Me and Grandma got it." I am so proud of his heart. I make no claims that we never suffer any of the usual 5 year-old drama. And there are even times when I get a sick-to-my-stomach feeling over his behavior. But, I see where his heart desires to be, and for that I am thankful.
Just some more funny stories:
Luke: "mom, when we get home can I have my cookies?"
Me: "no, when we get home it is nap time. But, after nap you can have some."
Luke: (angrily) "I'm gonna throw these in your face!"
Me: "Luke, it is not nice to talk that way. Remember that you should treat people how you want to be treated. You can hurt people with your words."
Luke: (as calm as ever) "Oh. Sorry, mom."
He went from extreme rage to super calm in 2 seconds. It was so strange!
Grandma: (to Trey)" We should try to make this recipe. Oh wait, you can't have peanuts."
Luke: "Grandma, we don't say peanuts!"
Can you guess which word he thought she was saying? He calls it "peanuts" for some reason :)
Gary: (to Luke) "You have such nice hair. Someday you'll be bald like daddy."
Trey: "Yeah, and like Sasha."
I don't think my kids understand that he actually has hair it's just VERY light.
The joys of having kids far outweigh the struggles!
My mom has been in town for a few days now, and leading up to her visit Trey wanted to call her every day! He likes to make plans with our visitors before they come. This time though, none of his plans revolved around himself. They were all about me! I would overhear him on the phone saying things like, "let's lock her in her room, and you and me will watch the kids." or "I know! We can give her massages and make her take a bath." You can't imagine how good it feels to hear your 5 year old say those kinds of things. He not only said them, but then when Grandma came, he did them. The day she got here he was insistent that I spend the day in my room. He made me cookies, massaged my feet, brought me lunch in bed, helped take care of his brothers and sister, and has continually told me, "go take a nap, mom. Me and Grandma got it." I am so proud of his heart. I make no claims that we never suffer any of the usual 5 year-old drama. And there are even times when I get a sick-to-my-stomach feeling over his behavior. But, I see where his heart desires to be, and for that I am thankful.
Just some more funny stories:
Luke: "mom, when we get home can I have my cookies?"
Me: "no, when we get home it is nap time. But, after nap you can have some."
Luke: (angrily) "I'm gonna throw these in your face!"
Me: "Luke, it is not nice to talk that way. Remember that you should treat people how you want to be treated. You can hurt people with your words."
Luke: (as calm as ever) "Oh. Sorry, mom."
He went from extreme rage to super calm in 2 seconds. It was so strange!
Grandma: (to Trey)" We should try to make this recipe. Oh wait, you can't have peanuts."
Luke: "Grandma, we don't say peanuts!"
Can you guess which word he thought she was saying? He calls it "peanuts" for some reason :)
Gary: (to Luke) "You have such nice hair. Someday you'll be bald like daddy."
Trey: "Yeah, and like Sasha."
I don't think my kids understand that he actually has hair it's just VERY light.
The joys of having kids far outweigh the struggles!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Gorging: Day 4
I started this post yesterday (on Day 4 of gorging...hence the title), but haven't gotten around to finishing until today.
Is Ana a reformed food-addict? Not yet. I realize that many of our issues stem from a lack of communication. Not that my children can't communicate with us at all, but not in the same way our bio children can. Trey and Luke can, and frequently do, walk up and say, "mom, I'm hungry. Can I have..." Ana and Sasha are restricted to signing "eat" when they want something. And frankly, they haven't exactly mastered the whole signing unprompted thing. They can sign on their own, but I think a lot of times they forget that they can. I realize that I have to be very careful with Ana. If I ask, "Ana do you want more?" She signs "more". If I ask, "Ana, are you all done?" She signs "all done". And if I ask, "Ana, do you want more or are you all done?" She gets all confused sometimes. So, now I am working on trying to feel her out without prompting anything. Also, (Crystal this is for you) at first I didn't think I really allowed any of my kids freedom with their food, but that's not true. They can ask for what they want when they want it. It doesn't mean I always say yes, but at least they have a way to voice their opinion about what, when, and how much they eat. I also try to give them choices (as in broccoli or green beans with dinner). Sasha and Ana have never had that.
As of now, we are through day 5, however, we haven't really stuck to the "gorging". As of today, I have decided this is just not right. I am giving Ana more flexibility with her food, but I am also restricting a bit.
Here is what I have noticed during this experiment:
Ana is capable of walking away from food and busying herself with other things.
She likes to eat quickly (as in, shove it all in at once), but once it is gone, she is okay with walking away.
Since we began, Ana has suddenly become pickier with her food. I don't know if we made her feel comfortable enough to voice an opinion or if she just decided that since we might give her more food, she would rather eat the yummy stuff.
Where are we going from here? We are going to take a middle of the road approach. We will still restrict what she eats and how much, but within reason. We will allow her to feed herself and snack like the other kids. And we will hopefully be getting her thyroid checked in the near future to try to rule out hypothyroidism. I am trying to let go, and not stress so much over the food thing. I will prayerfully hand it to God and let Him work it out.
Best of luck to all of you who are struggling like we are.
Is Ana a reformed food-addict? Not yet. I realize that many of our issues stem from a lack of communication. Not that my children can't communicate with us at all, but not in the same way our bio children can. Trey and Luke can, and frequently do, walk up and say, "mom, I'm hungry. Can I have..." Ana and Sasha are restricted to signing "eat" when they want something. And frankly, they haven't exactly mastered the whole signing unprompted thing. They can sign on their own, but I think a lot of times they forget that they can. I realize that I have to be very careful with Ana. If I ask, "Ana do you want more?" She signs "more". If I ask, "Ana, are you all done?" She signs "all done". And if I ask, "Ana, do you want more or are you all done?" She gets all confused sometimes. So, now I am working on trying to feel her out without prompting anything. Also, (Crystal this is for you) at first I didn't think I really allowed any of my kids freedom with their food, but that's not true. They can ask for what they want when they want it. It doesn't mean I always say yes, but at least they have a way to voice their opinion about what, when, and how much they eat. I also try to give them choices (as in broccoli or green beans with dinner). Sasha and Ana have never had that.
As of now, we are through day 5, however, we haven't really stuck to the "gorging". As of today, I have decided this is just not right. I am giving Ana more flexibility with her food, but I am also restricting a bit.
Here is what I have noticed during this experiment:
Ana is capable of walking away from food and busying herself with other things.
She likes to eat quickly (as in, shove it all in at once), but once it is gone, she is okay with walking away.
Since we began, Ana has suddenly become pickier with her food. I don't know if we made her feel comfortable enough to voice an opinion or if she just decided that since we might give her more food, she would rather eat the yummy stuff.
Where are we going from here? We are going to take a middle of the road approach. We will still restrict what she eats and how much, but within reason. We will allow her to feed herself and snack like the other kids. And we will hopefully be getting her thyroid checked in the near future to try to rule out hypothyroidism. I am trying to let go, and not stress so much over the food thing. I will prayerfully hand it to God and let Him work it out.
Best of luck to all of you who are struggling like we are.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Gorging: Day 3
Last night's dinner debacle left me in tears for my daughter. But after a pep talk from my super-knowledgeable friend, Jen, I woke up with a new game plan and a fresh attitude. I am not giving up on gorging, but I think I was going about it wrong. I was searching out every possible healthy food choice in our house to offer her when she asked for more. I think that is part of what kept her eating: the surprise of what might be coming next. Starting today, if she asks for more she will get whatever we are eating for our meal.
Breakfast brought a few surprises for us. Ana had a big bowl of cheerios with milk, and then when she asked for more I handed her a handful of dry cheerios. I put them on the table in front of her, and her first bite was a full fistfull into her mouth. After that it was one at a time for about 2 minutes. Then she started throwing them on the floor. What? Ana DOES NOT waste food!!! We joke that she is our human garbage disposal. She was still sort of picking at them, but without enthusiasm. And then her bib started falling off. I saw it happening, but I waited to see what she would do. Normally when her bib falls off (yes, it happens frequently. And yes, we need new bibs :) she has a fall-apart fit! She thinks that because she no longer has a bib on, she cannot eat. The same thing happens if she drops her fork. But this morning the bib started slipping, but no tears from Ana. She just grabbed hold of it, pulled it off and set it on the table. I asked if she was all done, she signed it and breakfast was over in a matter of 20 minutes!!!
For snack I let her feed herself yogurt. A huge mess! She probably got 1/2 of it in her mouth while the other half was everywhere else. After that I took her down, because we had playdate guests who were about to arrive.
Lunch was 1 1/2 sandwiches (turkey and cheese) and a bowl of melon. She signed "all done" and got down.
For snack after nap I cut up an apple for her and Sasha, but instead of strapping them into highchairs I just separated the apple into 2 bowls and let them walk around and eat. Ana finished her 1/2 super fast and then started working on Sasha's portion. However, surprise! I asked Ana to share a bite with me and she did.
Dinner was a rice and bean burrito. She ate it all, but at one point she offered her empty fork up to Sasha when he was crying. I think she really thought she was offering him food.
Bedtime snack was a bowl of pretzels, which she dumped on the floor. She was eating them...just off the floor. And then we moved on to a bowl of applesauce and off to bed. I thought she was really getting over the whole being super excited for food thing, but when the applesauce showed up she was unable to curb her enthusiasm. There was a lot of squealing happening for applesauce.
It is still too early to say exactly what kind of difference this will make. I do worry that Ana will have lifelong issues with food, but right now we are focusing on her need for control. As Jen helped me to see in our phone conversation, Ana has never had control over what she ate, how much she ate, or when she ate it. Since she came home we have been very restrictive with her. Because of the way she ate, we worried that she needed to learn portion control and be given healthier foods. She ate differently than all of the rest of us, because we made her. Not that we intended to be mean to her, we just worried about her. Ana is already different. As a parent you never want your child to be excluded, made fun of, or emotionally hurt in any way. I see the beauty in my daughter - inside and out. I just want everyone else to see it too. So from here on out, this will not be about stuffing Ana as full as she can go, but it will be about giving Ana control over her food. Giving her a "say" in the matter of food.
I don't have any of the beautiful pictures you have all come to love to see from this adventure ;) But here are some random pictures.
Breakfast brought a few surprises for us. Ana had a big bowl of cheerios with milk, and then when she asked for more I handed her a handful of dry cheerios. I put them on the table in front of her, and her first bite was a full fistfull into her mouth. After that it was one at a time for about 2 minutes. Then she started throwing them on the floor. What? Ana DOES NOT waste food!!! We joke that she is our human garbage disposal. She was still sort of picking at them, but without enthusiasm. And then her bib started falling off. I saw it happening, but I waited to see what she would do. Normally when her bib falls off (yes, it happens frequently. And yes, we need new bibs :) she has a fall-apart fit! She thinks that because she no longer has a bib on, she cannot eat. The same thing happens if she drops her fork. But this morning the bib started slipping, but no tears from Ana. She just grabbed hold of it, pulled it off and set it on the table. I asked if she was all done, she signed it and breakfast was over in a matter of 20 minutes!!!
For snack I let her feed herself yogurt. A huge mess! She probably got 1/2 of it in her mouth while the other half was everywhere else. After that I took her down, because we had playdate guests who were about to arrive.
Lunch was 1 1/2 sandwiches (turkey and cheese) and a bowl of melon. She signed "all done" and got down.
For snack after nap I cut up an apple for her and Sasha, but instead of strapping them into highchairs I just separated the apple into 2 bowls and let them walk around and eat. Ana finished her 1/2 super fast and then started working on Sasha's portion. However, surprise! I asked Ana to share a bite with me and she did.
Dinner was a rice and bean burrito. She ate it all, but at one point she offered her empty fork up to Sasha when he was crying. I think she really thought she was offering him food.
Bedtime snack was a bowl of pretzels, which she dumped on the floor. She was eating them...just off the floor. And then we moved on to a bowl of applesauce and off to bed. I thought she was really getting over the whole being super excited for food thing, but when the applesauce showed up she was unable to curb her enthusiasm. There was a lot of squealing happening for applesauce.
It is still too early to say exactly what kind of difference this will make. I do worry that Ana will have lifelong issues with food, but right now we are focusing on her need for control. As Jen helped me to see in our phone conversation, Ana has never had control over what she ate, how much she ate, or when she ate it. Since she came home we have been very restrictive with her. Because of the way she ate, we worried that she needed to learn portion control and be given healthier foods. She ate differently than all of the rest of us, because we made her. Not that we intended to be mean to her, we just worried about her. Ana is already different. As a parent you never want your child to be excluded, made fun of, or emotionally hurt in any way. I see the beauty in my daughter - inside and out. I just want everyone else to see it too. So from here on out, this will not be about stuffing Ana as full as she can go, but it will be about giving Ana control over her food. Giving her a "say" in the matter of food.
I don't have any of the beautiful pictures you have all come to love to see from this adventure ;) But here are some random pictures.
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| Well hello cutie! Can I have a ride? |
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| Water babies |
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| Yes, this is a food picture. This is excitement for yogurt. |
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| Trey playing with Malika. I think she is his new best friend. They are so cute together! |
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| Luke...always in style! |
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| Anyone have a power tool I can borrow? |
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| Luke chillin' in a pint-size chair. |
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| This is what Ana does when she gets stressed out or overwhelmed |
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| Our new friend, Athena. Isn't she gorgeous? |
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| Ana and Luke...look close. That's not our Ana! We now have a friend named Ana too!!! |
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| This is how I found Sasha after nap today. Cute, huh? |
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Gorging: Day 2
Breakfast:
2 packets of instant oatmeal
1 plum
Handful of almonds (they sat in her mouth mostly)
I gave her a piece of string cheese. She put it in her mouth but never bit down. She signed "all done" at this point.
Snack:
Her bowl of pretzel sticks
Moved on to all of the other kids bowls of pretzel sticks
Lunch:
Plate-full of steamed broccoli and cauliflower (maybe 1 cup)
4 fish sticks
1 orange
Bowl of frosted mini-wheats (dry)
It was at this point I got really sad for Ana. I looked around my house and this is what I saw:
I had to prompt the "all done" sign at lunch because it was past nap time, and I'm not sure she would have stopped.
Dinner:
Bowl of pasta
1/2 cucumber
Handful of cereal
String cheese
1/2 plate of grape tomatoes
1 slice whole wheat bread
4 slices of deli ham
About 1/4 cup raisins
MORE cucumber (in total it was about 3/4 of a cucumber)
Finally she began regurgitating the cucumber, and then with prompting signed "all done".
Dinner took her 2 hours!!! When she was done her belly looked like this, and it was H.A.R.D.
In total, Ana spent over 4 hours at the table today. I am incredibly discouraged, because after her dinner tirade, Ana still came wandering into the kitchen begging for yogurt that I was feeding Sasha (and that was only about 20 minutes after I took her down from the dinner table). I didn't give her any, because I simply couldn't bring myself to. I was worried about the pain she was probably in, and I just couldn't bear to watch her eat anymore.
2 packets of instant oatmeal
1 plum
Handful of almonds (they sat in her mouth mostly)
I gave her a piece of string cheese. She put it in her mouth but never bit down. She signed "all done" at this point.
Snack:
Her bowl of pretzel sticks
Moved on to all of the other kids bowls of pretzel sticks
Lunch:
Plate-full of steamed broccoli and cauliflower (maybe 1 cup)
4 fish sticks
1 orange
Bowl of frosted mini-wheats (dry)
It was at this point I got really sad for Ana. I looked around my house and this is what I saw:
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| Ana mini-wheat in each hand, mouth full, working on a solid hour of "lunch" |
AND
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| All of my other kids dancing and having fun, all having finished their lunch 1/2 hour ago |
Dinner:
Bowl of pasta
1/2 cucumber
Handful of cereal
String cheese
1/2 plate of grape tomatoes
1 slice whole wheat bread
4 slices of deli ham
About 1/4 cup raisins
MORE cucumber (in total it was about 3/4 of a cucumber)
Finally she began regurgitating the cucumber, and then with prompting signed "all done".
Dinner took her 2 hours!!! When she was done her belly looked like this, and it was H.A.R.D.
In total, Ana spent over 4 hours at the table today. I am incredibly discouraged, because after her dinner tirade, Ana still came wandering into the kitchen begging for yogurt that I was feeding Sasha (and that was only about 20 minutes after I took her down from the dinner table). I didn't give her any, because I simply couldn't bring myself to. I was worried about the pain she was probably in, and I just couldn't bear to watch her eat anymore.
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