A dose of truth

"You guys rock!"

"You are an amazing woman!"

"You are so awesome!"

These are a few of the comments that I have recently read in light of our launch of Wonderful Works. While we very much appreciate the support, I read these words and I feel like a phony: a liar. While in Ukraine, I often asked why so many people opted for the pretty version of things for their blog posts. I determined that I would tell the truth. I wanted everyone to know what adoption was really like. However, I quickly realized that nobody wants to hear the whole truth. They don't mind if you talk about your mishaps, so long as you also talk about your abundant love and overwhelming joy for the newest members of your family. They will take the bad as long as the end of your story is the good. Some days it's hard to find the good...in yourself. 

Pride has been deeply engrained in me from early on. I was the first born, an early reader, a responsible child, and very much a people pleaser. I was praised often, and it became a part of who I was. I was always seeking more praise. I worked hard to be independent and strived for worldly successes. I would quickly sweep any mistakes under the rug and opt to forget that they too were a part of who I was. When I finally opened my heart to the One who was so diligently seeking me, I began to see my shortcomings. I could see my pride, my greed, and my selfishness. I worked on these things, but they still existed in my life at the point when we committed to adopt Sasha, and they still do. We committed to him out of obedience. Yes, we had grown to love him in our hearts, but we are not the "amazing" kind of people that we thought were called to special needs adoption. We were simply acting out of love, compassion, and an overwhelming urgency to glorify God. But then the e-mails, the phone calls, and the conversations started. People made us out to be something we are not. No matter how many times we told people that we are not special, they didn't want to hear it. For some reason, people think that we (and all of those who have adopted a special needs child) have done something that they cannot. I have tried to quell the praise from others. We have admitted to our mistakes and shortcomings in hopes that people will see that anything that has been accomplished has been the work of God alone. This goes for our adoption and Wonderful Works. Maybe we have not laid out the truth plainly enough, so here goes:

How much did your adoptions cost, and where did the money come from?

TRUTH: About $30,000, and God supplied all of it in 2 1/2 months time. We did fundraisers, but our efforts yielded a meager $3,000 or so. God did the rest. I want this to be super clear, because if there are people wanting to adopt but looking at that dollar amount and shaking their head, know that God can move all mountains.

Everyone looked so happy in your pictures from Ukraine. You must have bonded instantly with your kids.

TRUTH: We met Ana first, and when she was taken back out of the room all I could do was pray, "God, I cannot do this. If this is your will, you are going to have to do it." Ana was oblivious to everyone in the room. All she did was hit herself in the head with a toy, spin in circles, and nearly fall down. She was unresponsive as people yelled her name, and she could have cared less that we were there. Sasha was fun and friendly, but he smelled so horribly! It was hard to be around him, because he smelled as if he hadn't been bathed...ever! We were miserable at the orphanage. Sasha got our morning visitation, in truth because we wanted to get it over with. Not that we disliked him, but we felt we were always being watched, and Sasha was a mischievous child. When we started taking him outside or into the hallways to play, it was like unleashing a tiger. We actually took him back to the groupa bloody a few times (he fell down outside constantly - they put shoes on him that were too small). He refused to obey (and believe me he KNEW what he was doing), and he whined and cried like nobody I've ever heard before (very much an attention seeker). We thought we were bonding with Ana and she with us. She started coming out a little more with each visitation, but occasionally she would regress. She seemed so calm and easy going, but the truth is that she was pretty much just checked out. My heart longed for home and my boys. 

Your kids seem to have transitioned so well!

TRUTH: Ana could care less about us. We meet her needs, but she hasn't figured out how to love yet, and man does it hurt! We try to make her smile and she gets mad. We want to hold her and cuddle her, but she pushes us away. We want for her to run to us with her arms up wanting an embrace with her mommy or daddy, but she only does that for strangers. I have asked my friends not to pick her up at all anymore using some lame excuse, but the truth is that it's because it cuts like a knife into my heart every time she runs to one of them. Sasha appears to love us, but sometimes the love is not reciprocated. We desire more than anything to love each of our children in the same way, but we are not there yet. People told me that it will feel like I am babysitting for awhile. I understand what they mean, but this is worse than babysitting. When you babysit, you know the kids are not yours. I know these kids are mine, and I am glad they are mine; but I can't make myself love them like my own yet, and that kills me! They both have habits that are enough to drive me up a tree most days. Do you want to know what the gnashing of teeth sounds like? Come on over and I will give your ears a preview of what is in store for those who are not saved for eternity. I promise you we can scare some people into salvation with the sounds made by two petite little kids! But, in actuality, I don't even notice that anymore. It's like having twin 18 month olds who are new to the world. Everything is exciting or scary, stressful, or a fun new adventure. We never know what the reactions are going to be to a new situation. We just let it ride and pray for the best. Sometimes I wonder if we have truly given our kids a better life than they had before. 

I don't know how you have adjusted so well going from 2 kids to 4.

TRUTH: We haven't. We rely on God for everything. And in the times when we try to do things ourselves, failure is inevitable. I feel like I spend entire days screaming and disciplining. God has really convicted me as I continually think of the scripture that says,

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?  How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." (Matthew 7: 3-5)

There is a GIGANTIC plank in my eye! I have issues that I never knew I had until our sweet littles came home. I struggle with anger management issues. I taught my kids the verse that says, "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." I often have to admit my foolishness to my children. 

How are Trey and Luke adjusting?

TRUTH: You know that whole "childlike faith" thing? There is a reason for it. When you have childlike faith, you can love freely. Our boys have shown us more about unconditional love than we could have hoped to teach them. We struggle, and in those moments when we just can't find the love, we often look over and find Trey, our 5 year old, cuddling his sister and Luke, laughing hysterically, teaching Sasha how to get into even more trouble than he manages to find on his own...not even noticing that they are different, and behaving as if Ana and Sasha have always been a part of our family. Trey tells us all the time that he wants us to adopt again. And despite all of the struggles, we probably will. God is shaping us and molding us through this experience in true potter form. 

How can you raise 4 kids (2 who are new to your family) and start a ministry?

TRUTH: We can't. We also couldn't adopt a child with Down syndrome and certainly not 2. 

"It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. The life I live in this body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20) 

"He must become greater; I must become less" (John 3:30) 

We believe this ministry was a call of God. We are not equipped for it, but He is. 

BOTTOM LINE TRUTH: We are sinners who struggle every day. We accomplish nothing on our own strength. We simply desire to glorify God through our adoration, our faith, and our actions. God found us, and by His grace alone we stand.