You have your hands full!

When we go out in public as a family, we tend to get the same reactions from people. I have gotten good at spotting what I call "the approacher". There's always one. I'm not sure why people enjoy commenting on our family...I mean LOTS of people have 4 kids OR MORE!!!! The conversation starts the same nearly every time:

"Wow, you have your hands full!"

We have been asked if we have twins. 

We have been asked if we have triplets.

We have had a man with his 2 year old  son say, "I could just toss mine in and you wouldn't even know it."

We have had people ask if Ana has DS (yes, people do this. BTW nobody has EVER asked about Sasha, only Ana)

We are frequently asked how old our kids are.

But, by far the most common remark is the good ol' "hands full" comment. 

And I love my friend Jessica's response to it:

"Better than having them empty!"

Just ranting right now. What you really want is below. So here are pictures of the loves of my life...the sweeties that fill my hands and my heart.

Trey worked so hard to build this obstacle course for a ball. He loves to create things!

Luke came to me and said, "my booboo will get all better now, mommy".
I turned to find him like this...covered in Desitin!

You probably can't tell from the picture but his hair is wet. Both he and Ana thought that the water table=bath time! They kept dumping water on their heads.

He thought it was funny when Gary honked the horn...so we honked it all the way home!

She's dancing and loving it!

Mmmmmmmmm!!! BBQ for all!

A letter to my daughter

                                                                                                        Ana,

Where are you? I search for you every day. I stare into your eyes looking for you. Instead what I get is an imperfect version of God's creation. I find what this life has made you, not what you were created to be. You must have known. Known that you are too valuable and precious to let the heartache and corruption of this world get to you. So you locked yourself inside, determined that no one should get close enough to taint you anymore. You occasionally peek your toe out. I see it when you smile for real, and when you hold on to me so tight, determined that our hug should not end. But you quickly retreat back into yourself, locked away until a fleeting moment when we catch you off guard again. Baby girl, I know you have been hurt. Like a beautiful flower trampled underfoot. I don't pretend to understand your pain, and I make no claims of being able to repair the damage done to you. But, I know the one who can restore you, so for your own sake, I let you go. I will stop trying to change you. I will give you into the hands of the Savior. I don't know how to piece you back together, but He does. I will be here for you every day. I will love you and care for you, and so will He. But when I cannot figure you out, I will trust that He doesn't have to. He created you, and knows parts of you that I never will. I cannot wait to see Him draw you out, so I can stand in true awe of His beautiful creation: you!

I love you my sweet Ana!

~Mommy

Carlene

This sweet little darling is Carlene. She is 5 years old, and unfortunately she lives in a mental institution in Eastern Europe. There is no reason that Carlene should waste away there for the remainder of her life. She can be adopted out of there. She just needs a family. To want her. To love her. And to take a leap and commit to bringing her home.

Carlene needs help fast! We have seen the challenges that children in an orphanage face, and the struggles are many. Ana had completely withdrawn into herself by the time we got there. She is just starting to blossom. All of this is far worse for a child in a mental institution.

Through our adoption, our family is learning not to see what makes us different, but instead to focus on what makes us the same: we are all created in the image of God. Trey, Luke, Sasha and Ana are all His creations, created in His likeness.

Carlene is His creation too. She was perfectly made, yet she sits. And she waits. She waits for someone to see her worth. To see Jesus in her.

My kids memory verse for this week is 1 John 3:18, which says, "...let us not love with words or tongue, but with action and in truth." Please do not love Carlene with your words, but love her with your actions. If you are not her mommy or her daddy, please help her to find them.
1. Pray. Ask God if Carlene is your daughter. And ask God to make it clear to whoever they are. (This is how we ended up committing to Sasha)
2. Spread her face and her bio on your FB pages, your blogs, anywhere you can.
3. Donate to her grant fund. Carlene has nearly $10k in her grant fund, but the higher we get it, the faster her family can get to her.

I realize that I often use my blog as a plea to help waiting children or families in process, but right now, this is what I can do. I am not content to sit and do nothing while children waste away in institutions.

Sasha and Ana: The Journey from Heart to Home

This video is long (12 minutes), but the real journey was much longer. 

Hope you enjoy :)

On a lighter note...

Circle time :)

Feeding baby his quesadilla

Say "more" baby.

Baby needs a time-out.

I hope you learned your lesson, baby!

Rub-a-dub-dub 4 kids in a tub!

Hagler family "no cavity club"

Ana is super excited that she doesn't have any cavities...and so am I!

This is what the sovereign LORD says

"This is what the sovereign LORD says: Woe to the shepherds...who only take care of themselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock?...You have not strengthened the weak or healed the sick or bound up the injured. You have not brought back the strays or searched for the lost." (Ezekiel 34:2,4)

A month ago we landed back in the United States with our two new precious children. We were tired, and our journey, though it seemed to be over, was just beginning. Truthfully, I broke down at the airport crying continually that I did not ever want to go back. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. During our first few weeks home I had this sense of relief. I was relieved because I felt like, "good, we have done our part..next time I see a face longing for a family and a home, needing proper medical care and balanced nutrition I can be satisfied in knowing that it is not my responsibility". Like I said, I was tired. I still am tired, but now that I can think straight a fire has been reignited in me. I see the faces of the ones left behind. I am burdened for poor Karina who wants somebody to love her...anybody! She was chastised countless times for trying to come with us when we would take Sasha out. She jabbered to us in Ukrainian, smiling all the while and lifting her hands to be held, to be hugged and loved...to be wanted. She even tried cozying up to the gardener one day, so desperate for affection that she would be happy with any scrap of attention she could get. I also think about the children left lying in cribs, needing medical care that they cannot get. They need love. They need hope. They need someone to tell them about Jesus.

How do you walk away from this?

Don't tell me you don't "feel called" to this. Tell Karina. Tell Marsha, Dasha, Sonia, Masha, and the countless other children waiting for someone to come. Waiting for someone whose eyes they can stare into and say, "mama. papa". Tell them that you were too busy with your own life to show them Jesus, so their eternity is in jeopardy because you have other things to do. You are commanded, just like me, to care for widows and orphans. There is no asterisk next to those verses that says, "*this is only for some Christ followers". Don't tell me about Mary and Martha and how it's better to sit at the feet of Jesus and rest in his presence than to do "works". That is a cop out. It is not an either/or issue. This is a both/and issue. I sit at the feet of Jesus every day. It's how I survive. I see Him in the faces of all 4 of my kids. I spend my days with Him AND my family.  Adoption was not something we did because we wanted to earn something. Maybe you don't think God is asking you to adopt, and you might be right. But, have you asked Him? I mean REALLY with your whole entire being asked Him, "God what do you want me to do?" Not the rushed sort of, "God use me for your glory" prayer you pray because you feel like you have to, but the, "God, I desire you more than anything, and I will gladly abandon everything to go where you tell me and do as you say...even if I don't want to" prayer that comes from deep in the pit of you. The one you pray with such love and desire that it pours out of you...unstoppable. 

                                                                                                   

Gary being mauled by kids wanting love and attention

If you have looked at the faces longing for love, searched your heart, and prayed a sincere prayer, and you don't believe that God is asking you to open your home to one of these children, then I would ask you to please consider helping someone else who has been called to this mission.

I have had the privilege of being in contact with Stephanie Barnett, the mommy of sweet Igor, Trenton, and Leeza since the beginning of their journey to their 3 babies. Stephanie has been a faithful woman through their walk and ours. She spent so much time on her knees for us, and I know she is in continued prayer for our family. She and her family have made a choice to be obedient to God, even though the road has not been easy. Stephanie is my "Texas twin," and I love her dearly. I love her for her friendship, her support, her honesty, but most of all for her amazing love and faith in Jesus Christ. 

I have met the three newest Barnett children (in fact, I am cropped out of a lot of the pictures in the video below...thanks, Steph :) and I want to share with you what you can be a part of.

Leeza is left in a crib most of the time. She has peach-fuzz for hair, and at 3 years old is the size of a 12 month old. She smiled at me as I stood near her crib on my way to change Ana's diaper. I told her how beautiful she was, and I prayed that God would help her to understand. To know that she is loved, and that she has a mommy and a daddy who are longing for her.

Trenton is a smart, devilish little boy. He knows what he wants: love in the arms of his mommy and daddy. He escaped from his crib and out of the room several times attempting to run out the door with us. His smile was contagious. He has potential beyond belief. He just needs out.

Igor is a shy but very loving little guy. He stood back from us and smiled, very intrigued by our presence. It took him a few minutes of watching us with the other kids to get up the courage to come and say hello. But when he did, he didn't want to let go. He hugged, waved hi, showed us his toy, and smiled like you can't imagine.

The Barnett family has stood firm in their faith, and their waiting children have stood strong and courageous in the face of trials we cannot even begin to imagine. The Barnett family has approached the end of their paper chase, and they anticipate being submitted in the next few weeks. They have more fundraising to be done for their journey to home, and I am asking you to help them. Igor was supposed to have been transfered to an institution already. The director of the orphanage is holding on because she knows the Barnetts are coming. This family has taken on more than any of us can handle alone. They are relying on the LORD and His hands and feet: you! 

Please click here to bring God's children home to their earthly family.

Clarification and a request

Sasha's chest with only a faint remnant
of his first open-heart surgery

Upon breaking the news of Sasha's likely heart surgery, we received a lot of compassionate responses. Many people didn't even know what to say, and others tried to convince us that we could pray for a miracle and maybe he wouldn't have to have the surgery.

The truth is that we are HAPPY about the news. Don't get me wrong, we are not making light of the situation. We never wish open-heart surgery on anyone, especially our own son whom we love dearly. But, when we were told by the orphanage director that he had open-heart surgery at birth she said, "they corrected what they could". This left us thinking that it was possible that his defect was not repairable. There was a lump in my throat as I walked into the cardiologist with 2 children unsure of what I was going to hear about either one of them. But, a weight was lifted when we discovered that Sasha's heart could possibly be TOTALLY REPAIRED!!!! We are amazingly grateful to live in a time and a place where this is possible.

We understand the gravity of open-heart surgery. Every morning I dress the most beautiful girl in the world. And as I slide her jammies off, my eyes can't move from the bright pink scar that stretches from the top to the bottom of her sternum. And below that I stare at the two large circles left from the insertion of scopes. After her shirt is on, I can still see the scar peeking out from the neckline. And no clothes can hide the large reminders of IVs on each of her wrists. Every diaper change brings to light what this precious child has been through as my hand brushes what's left of a heart cath procedure on her left thigh. My beautiful little girl will always have visible signs of what I hope time will help her forget, but more importantly, my beautiful little girl will have a heart that will help her to survive and thrive. We want that for Sasha too, even if it means temporary misery...again.

IV lines

Heart cath scar

Poor, sweet Ana has endured much

Now for the request part of this post. Last night I was blessed by a phone conversation with another RR adoptive mom. I met my friend Joy at Buddy Walk last year. Her family recently welcomed their newest addition, Joel. Joel came home around the same time our two did. Joel is 7 years old and came home weighing 18 lbs! He wears 12 month clothes. Joel is very tiny and struggles to gain weight because of his heart. He has the same condition as Sasha (plus some), but he has been left untreated for his whole life. Because nothing was done early enough for Joel, he now suffers from Pulmonary hypertension. Joel is preparing to have a heart cath done on July 1st. The damage done due to lack of treatment is severe, and it has left doctors questioning what they can fix. July 1st will be a big day for this little guy. The heart cath will give the doctors a much better idea of what to do. As Joy told me all of this, she continued on to tell me of her devastation at the news. She had hoped that the cardiologist was going to say that everything would be okay now that he was in the good ol' USA. But then she shared with me her revelation. While on her knees (which is where all good revelations come, by the way), the Holy Spirit reassured her that God had not just created Joel, He had also been the one to fashion his heart. Little side note, the thing that is causing doctors so much concern right now is also the reason that Joel is still living after 7 years with no surgery! God knew that Joel was going to need a way to hang on until his family got there. On my knees, I pray for Joy and her family. I pray for Joel, and I pray that his doctors would be open to miracles. Please pray with me.

We NEVER trust our children into the hands of surgeons, but we ALWAYS trust them into the hands of the Great Physician. He has the ability to make clumsy hands nimble and give knowledge and wisdom as he sees fit.

Cardiology 101

Today was the day I anticipated and dreaded all at the same time: our cardiology appointment. I don't know much about the heart, so I was hoping for a cardiologist who would explain everything to me clearly and plainly. Thank God, we were referred to such a man.

Here is what we knew before today:
Sasha had open-heart surgery sometime between birth and 8 months of age. But, he still had "unrepaired damage". We knew he had a heart murmur.

Ana had heart surgery in November, and we were told as of that point everything was fine.

Today:
Ana's heart looks fine. The cardiologist could not even say definitively what was repaired (a good sign). He has also reassured us that the bowing out of her chest is from her surgery, and it will likely correct itself over time.

Sasha will most likely require a second open-heart surgery. While this is not ideal, the good news is that his "unrepaired damage" is repairable. He has what is called an AV Canal Defect: a very common heart defect in children with DS. Basically there is large hole in the middle of his heart. It involves both upper and lower chambers. Red and blue blood mix in his heart. There are several reasons that this is dangerous...obviously. One of those reasons is that completely untreated, the blood rushes too quickly through the pulmonary artery into the lungs, causing too much pressure in the lungs. When Sasha had his first open heart surgery the doctors placed a band around his pulmonary artery in order to restrict the blood flow to his lungs, but they never repaired the actual wall. We will never know why they didn't do the repair, but I have my guesses. Sasha's cardiologist said that he had to really think through a timeline for everything, because it is not typical for this type of defect to be left unrepaired for so long. Commonly, AV canal defects are taken care of within the first 6 months of life, and cardiologists here in the US do not typically use a band on the pulmonary artery of children. Sasha's band seems to be holding up okay, and it appears to be in good condition, but truth be told, this is not a permanent fix. It's seems to sort of be the duct tape version of AV canal repairs from my understanding.

Next steps:
Sasha will have to be scheduled for a heart cath in the next few months. He has had X-ray, EKG, and ECO, but the doctor needs to get a better idea of pressure levels and placement of the band before they make a determination about surgery. Sasha will also have to have his thyroid tested prior to any surgery. Provided everything looks like he is healthy enough to undergo such a massive procedure, he will be placed on a special diet in order to help him with his protein stores, and he will then take on his second round of open-heart surgery in his 4 short years of life.

All of this is probably the reason that Sasha weighs in at a meager 21lbs. at nearly 4 years old. His little body has to work a lot harder than most people. He burns a large number of calories just going about his normal life. Although, he has gained 1 pound since being home :)

We are not surprised by any of this and either is God, but we would appreciate your prayers for Sasha.

God bless!!!

Bend lower, Lindsay

The words below are not my own. This is a blog post written by Katie Davis, a missionary living in Uganda. I read her blog a lot to help me see my own shortcomings, to inspire me, to bring me to tears in awe of the strength and sovereignty of God and the amazing and perfect love of Christ. This post has inspired me to desire to live my life bent lower, and I hope it will do the same for you.

Around here, we live bent low.

Tuesday morning ladies from Masese stream through my front door. We have moved our weekly meeting from the slum of Masese to my living room because I have been up all night with new foster baby and can’t imagine getting all 14 of these little people out of the house. Excited about a change of pace and my sweet friends in my home, I enlist the help of darling Tamara and 13 eager little girls to give these ladies pedicures. We wash and we rub and we paint. I rub lotion into old scarred feet and think of the journeys they have traveled. I whisper thanks for the ways they have blessed me and the things they have taught me, and here in a puddle on the hard tile floor, Joy overflows.

It is on this same cold, smooth tile that I kneel hours later, face inches away from the burn on Makerere’s calf. The stench doesn’t even bother me anymore. And while it looks horrific to outside eyes, I remember what it looked like months ago and ever so slowly, I can see the healing. I can see the healing in the blood red life that spills out as I bandage and in the smiling eyes that tell me stories as I work. Laying on my belly with a surgical blade I scrape out the dead and do my best to preserve the new pink tissue that is starting to form around the edges. He laughs and says, “I have told you now all the stories I have! It must be your turn.” And I tell him a story of a Heavenly King born as a pauper and of a Body broken for me and for him and for each one of us. And I don’t even realize but there are tears on the tile and I sit astonished that messy, inadequate, ungraceful me would get to share such a story.

We sit in the dirt, not worried about the red stains and serve 400 plates of food to sponsored children on Saturday. I look into these faces and remember them nearly 4 years ago, destitute and hopeless and starving. Afraid of my funny white skin. We feed them lunch and we feed them God’s Word and we watch them transform. We feel like family now, no one noticing these skin differences. The suns rays beat down the glory of God and covered in mud and chicken broth I know that this is contentment.

Our family sits on the street corner down town sharing ice cream and laughter. My daughter bends low to offer a homeless man her popsicle and as he cries that no one cares about him she looks straight into his face. “We will be your family,” she asserts, and she means it. We kneel on the pavement and we pray and people stop to look but we hardly notice because we were made for this.

We bend.

I bend to sweep crumbs and I bend to wipe vomit and I bend to pick up little ones and wipe away tears. I bend over a big pot of stew and I bend to fold endless laundry and I bend over math books and spelling sentences and history quiz corrections. And at the end of these days I bend next to the bed and I ask only that I could bend more, bend lower.

Because I serve a Savior who came to be a servant. He lived bent low. And bent down here is where I see His face.

He lived, only to die.

Could I?

Die to self and just break open for love.

This Savior, His one purpose to spend Himself on behalf of messy us. Will I spend myself on behalf of those in front of me?

And people say, “Don’t you get tired?” and yes, I do. But I’m face to face with Jesus in the dirt, and the more I bend the harder and better and fuller this life gets. And sure, we are tired, but oh we are happy. Because bent down low is where we find fullness of Joy.

Praying for you as you bend today for whoever is in front of you. He will meet you there.

Buratino

This is the Russian version of Pinnochio. Our driver played this song for our kids a few times in-country, and they loved it so much we knew we had to find it when we got home.

All of our kids love it...maybe yours will too!

Struggles and Successes

We all have them. Anyone who says differently is a liar. I have been lucky enough to be able to share all of our failures and all of our triumphs during this adoption process with one of my dear friends. You may well remember that we stayed with our friends while in-country. Our friends adopted from the same orphanage, and their daughter was even in Ana's groupa. We are dealing with similar issues since being home, and like me, my friend has opted to tell the truth on her blog instead of handing her readers the sugar-coated, "everything is coming up roses" version of the story. She has said nothing worse than I have on this blog, however someone had the audacity to anonymously post a comment on her blog that questioned whether or not she adopted the right child, assuming that she does not love her sweet little girl.

Now, let me tell you something about myself. I am a prideful, sinful human being. I am far from perfect. A few short months ago, I was a very judgmental mommy. I was one of those women you didn't want to talk about your child-rearing issues with, because I had all the answers. I wasn't silly enough to think I was going to have all of the answers with our newbies, but I figured I could learn quickly and use all my "mommy smarts" to fill in the gaps. God has knocked me right off my high horse, as it goes galloping into the sunset without me. Here I am left on the dirty ground, brushing myself off wondering what happened, and all I can do is look up. I look up to my Savior: the only one who can give me the strength to continue on. This is not a complaint. This is a lesson. I have been blessed to be taught an amazing lesson as the Holy Spirit strips me of myself. I am still learning, but I want to take this moment to warn anyone who thinks they can judge another person without repercussions:

"For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."

(Matthew 7:2)

You will find no judgement here, instead you will find us celebrating. We will celebrate our struggles, because they will provide a lesson. We will celebrate our successes (even if they seem mediocre to most), because there were probably a lot of struggles that led to that success. And if you allow us, we will celebrate yours too :)

Here are some of our most recent life lessons:

Trey has learned the responsibilities of a big brother of 3. He always asks to help with the kids, but today he told my mom, "Grandma, you should be here to help my mom, because yesterday I had to do a hundred things!". He has learned what it's like to live in a house of chaos with screaming kids all the time. He is learning selflessness in its purest and most difficult to swallow form: the kind you don't have a choice but to learn. And he is making us proud every day.

Sasha has learned: Not to touch the fireplace, not to stand up on the slide, not to throw toys, and not to spit out food...although sometimes he forgets all of these things (usually on the same day). He has also added to his sign language repertoire ("sorry" and "help"). He has learned how to give kisses (real ones, not just blown kisses). He has learned who mommy and daddy are. He has learned that he likes to be held and to cuddle in mommy and daddy's lap. He has learned how to drink from a straw. And he has decided to become the disciplinarian of our home. He likes to shake his finger at anyone who is misbehaving and "admonish" them. Ana knocked over the kids plastic chairs the other day. Sasha pushed her out of the way, shook his finger at her, and proceeded to pick up the chairs. He also likes to hide things. He has three main hiding places, but I never know where I am going to find anything with him around.

ALL AMERICAN KID

Ana has learned that she loves being part of a family! She laughs and screams (happily) a lot! She has discovered that she likes to be held as well. She likes to be rocked in the rocking chair, and she loves story time (Corduroy Goes to the Doctor is her favorite). She has learned her name and she understands a good bit of what we say to her. She runs to the table when we say "eat," she walks away from the windows when I tell her, "no banging," she sits on the floor when we say, "sit down," and she grabs my hand to head to bed when I say, "night, night,". Probably her biggest success as of late is that she has finally learned to sign, "more"!!!! This is one of those "mediocre to most" moments, but this is huge in our home! Watch the video below, and also notice that she not only signs, "more," but she also verbalizes it! She says, "bo". She does it every time, so I know it is her version of "more".

Lukey is learning how to share "his" mommy. He is learning about sacrifice, and he is discovering the difference between a need and a want (as in, mommy wants to play with you, but I need to stop Ana from throwing that train at somebody's head). He is coming into his own as he discovers his own likes and dislikes. He is very picky right now as he tries to make his desires known. He is very smart and seems much older than two. Unfortunately, it makes it easy for me to forget that he is still very young, and he needs me more than I believe.

We are learning that guilt will always be around, but we can waste our moments on it, or we can spend them with the ones we love. We are learning that we can either pretend to stand on our own two feet, or we can truly stand on our faith in a God who is bigger than anything in our lives. We seek to remember that everything around us is temporary, and we should be striving for eternity. We try to find our comfort in the only one who can give it.

Life is good here! We are doing better than surviving. Am I smiling all the time and loving every moment? No, but I am loving my God, my husband, and my children. If there was one thing I could change about my days it would be me. I pray daily for more patience with my kids. My intentions are good every day, and every day I am brought to my knees asking Jesus to hold me. It's okay though, I rather like those moments with Him. I know He forgives my shortcomings, and I apologize to my children daily and know that they forgive me too. We are happy, but this is real life. If you want only the sunshine and roses, you might want to read something else.

"...and we all fall down"...sometimes.